eatV8
01-21-2005, 08:40 AM
WE ARE ONE
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, Sheila’s and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in
the best country in the world, we reserve the right to b*tch and moan about it
whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks
to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an
extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners, pedophile rings and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state
of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank
vaults and barrels as in Snow town, just out of Adelaide (also named
after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views
of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the
last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is
the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and
still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're winging, we
leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national
anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us whose winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up
and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies,
and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in
Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no
security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea
and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for
it.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005
With myself being a Queenslander I must point out God didn't put dickheads in QLD. All those bloody Victorians move their themselves :)
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, Sheila’s and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in
the best country in the world, we reserve the right to b*tch and moan about it
whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks
to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an
extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners, pedophile rings and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state
of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank
vaults and barrels as in Snow town, just out of Adelaide (also named
after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views
of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the
last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is
the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and
still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're winging, we
leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national
anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us whose winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up
and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies,
and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in
Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no
security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea
and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for
it.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005
With myself being a Queenslander I must point out God didn't put dickheads in QLD. All those bloody Victorians move their themselves :)